Lay It Down Slow
by Denoryl
Summary: "She breathed in to let the air fill her lungs, and for one second she almost believed that when she'd open her eyes again the clouds would be gone. Just for one second, she allowed herself to forget..."


The cold breeze ran through the curls of her hair, slid down her neck and silently followed the curves of her shoulders. She closed her eyes and breathed in, allowing the fresh morning dew to invade her senses and let her mind drift away for one brief second. She knew there had been a shift in the air, she knew the sensation was not the same. It would never be the same.  
The world that they had learned to live in was gone. The infection, the turn... All erased. Gone. They had lost track of time – they had lost track of everything, actually. How long had it been since it all started? Since the quarry?

What was the point, anyway? The nightmare was over, the world was back to the way it used to be – or so they had been told.

 _Bullshit_.

The world would never go back to the way it was, _never_. All they had now were faded memories to hold on to. It was... just air. Nothing. No matter what anyone did, no matter how hard they tried... They could never get that back.

But they chose to move on, _she_ chose to move on. To keep going, because that's what they would have wanted. Sophia...  
A shiver ran down her spine as the small silhouette of her daughter flashed before her eyes. Her soft voice echoed inside her head, and for one tiny moment it was as if nothing had changed. As if time had frozen and the sun was still shinning, its light piercing through the fog of the pitiful remains of her existence.  
For one second, the nightmare was gone.

She breathed in to let the air fill her lungs, and for one second she almost believed that when she'd open her eyes again the clouds would be gone.  
Just for one second, she allowed herself to forget...  
 _  
Whatever happened, happened._

Her eyes shot open and the light vanished, reminding her that the darkness was real. That the weight of her actions would always be carved on her skin and burn every single inch of her soul. All she had left was just a cold breeze in a winter night; she could feel it but she couldn't see it. It was here, and it was cold. But that's all it would ever be. Air dancing on her skin every day and night, as fast as a shining star in a dark sky, invisible and unreachable. A thunderstorm of faded memories.

They had made it. They had survived.  
They hadn't given up, no matter how bad things were.  
 _Some people just can't give up... Like us._

"Momma!"

The brutal reality slapped her right in the face, as if someone had spilled a bucket of cold water on her entire body. She shook her head, trying to chase the mist away.

 _Focus._

She turned around, the coldness of the wind softly dancing on her skin - drying the one tear that she hadn't realized she'd let run on her cheek. The corner of her lips curved into a smile. It wasn't a bright, wide smile - but it was there. It was not the kind of smile she used to stick on her face whenever Ed was around, or the one she had worn an immeasurable amount of times when they were still at Alexandria and she had to keep up appearances.  
The mask was gone now. No need to hide or fear for your life every single time your abusive husband called for you from the bedroom. No need to prepare yourself for the worst - knowing that no matter what you did, the nightmare wouldn't stop. No more role playing, no more hiding. No more loose pants, old sweaters or ridiculous flower patterns.

The young girl's hair started dancing in the air, following the rythm of the wind and the lapping of the river. She seemed so peaceful, so... innocent.

She had her father's eyes - sometimes they would light up with the same spark, the one that was so rare and ephemeral that you'd miss it in the blink of an eye if you weren't paying attention. Carol would never forget the first time she saw it, the first time his eyes shined so bright he could have set the whole world on fire for an eternity.  
The first time his lips had softly brushed against hers.

It had been so brief... Brief, but yet infinite.  
So unexpected, but desperately needed.  
Like a breath of fresh air in a deserted land.

Carol kneeled in front of her daugther and brushed a strand of hair away from her face, revealing her piercing blue eyes. "I'm here, sweetheart", she softly said before lifting up the young girl, who immediately put her arms around her mum's neck.

"Carol", a familiar voice called from behind. Carol turned around slowly, as the little girl nudged her face on her chest. "We're going. We'll see you at the house later, ok? Just... Take your time", Glenn said, resting his left hand on her shoulder.

Carol nodded at him, and he smiled at her in return. It was a small, sad smile - the kind of smiles that she used to stick on her face everytime someone noticed the bruises on her body but never said anything. What was there to say, anyway?  
She didn't smile back at him, not this time. She couldn't. She tried, but nothing came. Not today, not _here_.

 _I can't let myself..._

Glenn, Maggie and the rest of the group slowly walked away. Rick and Michonne were quietly walking next to one another, Carl and Judith not far behind. She didn't quite recall when exactly the shift in their relationship had happened, but it hadn't been a surprise to anyone. It had just flown like the morning breeze upon a cold stream. Just like... _them_.  
The sound of their footsteps on the fallen leaves echoed in her head, and she stood still for a few seconds.

* * *

She eventually turned around, holding her daughter even closer to her. She slowly looked down - so slowly that her eyes started to itch against the wind. But it was nothing compared to the throbbing pain in her chest, as sharp and cold as a blade.

She was standing at the same exact spot. The one where she had collapsed on her knees three years ago. Where she had allowed herself to _feel it_.  
The grass had grown and new flowers were born. Life kept going and never stopped, new beginnings flourished everyday to replace the old and dead roots of the past.

Three years ago, at that exact same spot...

She had no idea that she was carrying life back then. _New beginnings flourish to replace the dead roots of the past_.  
And when she found out, every little piece of her collapsed and destroyed even the deepest fiber of her soul. But she was trapped. She had been trapped for so long that she didn't remember what it felt like to be free. After Sophia... Lizzie, Mika, Beth... Sam. There was no going back, nothing she could do. And maybe it was meant to be that way. Maybe there would never be a way out, not until the end. Maybe this is how the course of the universe had decided to punish her for her mistakes. And each time a light would start to glow in the darkness around her, each time a soft wafe of hope would reach her... it would be taken away.

She still remembered this day as if it was yesterday. Standing there, with the pieces of a broken past in her hands. His shadow still haunting her, his words still running in circles inside her head.  
 _  
Hey, we ain't ashes._

But there she stood, with a jar in her hands. As cold as it could ever be, just like everything else around her.  
It was three years ago, but the pain was still intact.

Her hands were shaking when she had slowly let the contents of the jar fall down on the ground, half of it going away with the wind.

 _We ain't ashes_.

You were wrong.

A tear ran down her cheek, and her legs began to stagger beneath the weight of the memories she wished she could erase.

What she felt that day was something she could never be able to describe. She had accumulated so much weight on her mind over the past years. So much weight that she had refused to let go. But this huge pile collapsed entirely that day, leaving the broken pieces of her mistakes fall down and form a castle of glass around her.

Sharp and unbreakable.

 _Cold and merciless_.

* * *

She slowly kneeled down and let go of her daugther, giving her the flower she had been holding for God knows how long.

The little girl stepped forward, and didn't look back. Carol was still kneeling on the ground, one hand in the dust and the other on her face, her shaky knuckles pressed against her lips. Her eyes were lost in the distance, blurry from the tears she had been holding for too long.

The young girl was now standing still, a few inches away from her. She slowly squatted in front of the wooden cross and layed the white flower next to it, so softly that its petals barely moved.

 _A flower?_  
 _  
It's a Cherokee Rose._

Carol blinked once, but didn't notice the single tear that dropped on the ground a few inches away from her hand.

 _The next day, this rose started to grow right where the mother's tears fell._

The little girl got up and carefully stepped back, still facing the cross on which her father's initials had been carved three years ago, on the same day. _D.D_.

 _To give them strength. Hope..._

She then turned around and came back to her mum, putting her small arms around her neck. Carol slimmed the petals of the second Cherokee Rose she had picked up an hour ago. This one was smaller, but still as beautiful as it could ever be. She softly slipped its stem between the strands of her daughter's hair, just behind her left ear.

 _But I believe this one... bloomed for your little girl._

* * *

When they both left, the sun was gone behind the clouds but its light was still piercing through. Carol's hand rested on the top of the cross for a couple of seconds when she walked past it, and allowed a shiver to run down her spine. She closed her eyes for a brief moment, and when she opened them again and met her little girl's bright blue eyes, she realized something.

That they could make it together.

...But they could only make it together

.


End file.
